Misconceptions About Sex or the Bad Sex Series
by cherrymelle
Summary: Ed has become interested in sex. Unfortunately, the circumstances, his various partners and in fact the universe --Murphy especially-- are proving most uncooperative. EdxAll SLASH CRACK and more warnings inside.
1. Misconceptions About Logistics

TITLE: **Misconceptions About Logistics**

AUTHOR: Cherrymelle

FANDOM: Fullmetal Alchemist

PAIRING: Ed/Al

GENRE: Crack Porn

RATING: NC-17

WARNING: slash, porn, incest, language, general insanity, screwy timeline

DISCLAIMER: Full Metal Alchemist and its characters aren't mine, but the following fic is. Anyway, it's not like I was making money out of either of them.

SUMMARY: "That may be because you can't manage enough depth or the angle could be off. Try elevating my pelvis a little. No. Not like that! Put a hand below, my back.... Ah! Not the automail one! It's cold Brother."

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"Brother?"

There was no answer except for some more panting.

"Brother...?"

Still nothing. That was annoying. Surely, Ed could at least answer him.

"BROTHER!"

Ah there! That granted a reaction. Ed froze entirely, and yes Al was in a position where he was able to know his brother had frozen **entirely**. The older boy gave him an inquiring look, rather worried, if somewhat glazed.

"What is it Al? Am I hurting you?"

"Well no. As a matter of fact I don't feel anything."

"I beg your pardon? What do you mean you don't feel a thing?"

Edward's face flushed an interesting color and he now looked painfully constipated, as if he was the one with the unmovable object stuck up his ass. Alphonse was not admittedly at his most diplomatic but one had every right to be annoyed when being ignored for five minutes of whining.

"I mean I feel _that_ of course, but it is not overly pleasant."

"Huh?"

Edward looked suitably puzzled and kinda apologetic. He back tracked a little, not enough to slip out, but granting himself enough leeway to stare at Alphonse in wonderment.

"In the books, it reads that by this point it is supposed to feel mind-blowing. And... Well, you must do something wrong because it's only... uncomfortable."

There. He'd said it. His brother looked funny with his face all pinched. Better not to tell him that, still. He was already annoyed as it was, it wouldn't do to have him all out pissed off.

"I am sorry if I am not up to your standards. And how would you know how it should feel like anyway? You're old enough not to believe anymore in everything you read."

Ed appeared all but sorry. Vexed was more like it. Now, it was Alphonse's turn to be annoyed, seriously so. Of course Edward had been enjoying himself, but he should be considerate enough to inquire as to the well-being of his little brother. That was the least he could do. Al knew however that getting angry with him wouldn't solve anything, so he let out an aggravated sigh and attempted to explain further what the problem was. Past experiences had taught him that, when supplied with accurate information, Edward was able to do wonders in everything. He wasn't called a genius for nothing. Hopefully, this would also be added to his domains of expertise.

"It's not that Brother. It's just that there is a special gland in the male body... somewhere in there... It's called the prostate."

"Thank you Al, I know what it is, I am well versed in human Anatomy. Can I know why you are lecturing me at a time like this?"

"If you just let me finish... You can be so impatient at times!"

The look Ed gave him at that convinced him he should go to the good part real fast or the other would do something crass which, considering the position Alphonse was actually in, couldn't bode too well for him.

"...hum, yeah. I was saying that this gland, the prostate, when stimulated right can provide amazing pleasure. That is the main reason why anal sex is known to be enjoyable. So, it would be good if you could touch it with your... you know."

Ed harbored mixed feelings on his youthful face, but the frown had mostly been smoothed away. Alphonse recognized scientific curiosity, some remaining traces of annoyance and a little concerned surprise on the beautiful features of his brother.

"I don't know what you have been reading, but I am not sure Mom would approve."

Al was pretty sure their mother wouldn't approve of what they were presently doing either, so that was a moot point. He wisely didn't mention it as he really didn't want to face an angsting Ed right now and gave him a sweet smile. The older boy snorted, not buying in the slightest the innocent act. That takes one to know one and they weren't brothers for nothing after all.

"Okay and where might that gland be Oh Wise One?"

"I don't know exactly. It is slightly different in everyone. Somewhere on the front, behind the pubic bone. There should be a little bump and a different texture."

"Right! You know I can't exactly see with my... hum... and well it sure is sensitive, but not _that_ sensitive. I am also a little constricted so I can't move however I like."

Edward still gave some half-hearted thrusts. It was amazing in itself that he hadn't yet lost his erection with all the talking they had done. Although, teenagers were excited by mostly everything, 24/7, so that was normal in a way. Alphonse couldn't relate on the sensations his brother was feeling while being in him, never having experienced them himself, but they were probably very pleasant for Ed's penis to remain completely hard through the argument.

"Still nothing. That may be because you can't manage enough depth..."

Oh... wrong move! Never ever make size comments in Ed's vicinity! Alphonse gave a little wince while letting the expected rant pass him by. Put upon as he was, he was still amazed that Ed managed such a colorful outburst in such a situation. When the steam came down, he gave a pointed look to his big brother who offered him a slightly apologetic smile.

"...or the angle could be off. Try elevating my pelvis a little. No. Not like that! Put a hand below my back.... Ah! Not the automail one! It's cold Brother."

"Sorry Al."

There was yet more shuffling around, minute calculations being made on angles and pressure, legs being rearranged right and left, in the hollow of arms, then on shoulders --the latter proving quite painful as Al wasn't _that_ limber-- but the prostate kept being elusive.

The younger boy was getting fed up. He had gotten used to the sensation which wasn't really uncomfortable anymore. He was even able to appreciate some sensitive nerves being stroked, yet he was generally dissatisfied with the entire experiment. Ed himself was becoming more and more frustrated with his little brother's demands. They had been at it for a while now and he would really appreciate if they could finish: his balls were turning blue. He was sixteen for God's sake! Nobody should expect this level of endurance from him.

"Al? You said it was on the front, didn't you? Maybe it would be easier if you were on your knees and I took you... you know... from behind."

"NO! That's degrading and I don't want to. Anyway, you should be able to reach from the front. Other people manage, so..."

"As if you could do better..."

"And why not? At least I have an idea of what I am looking for and where it is. I have done some research, I'm sure I would do better. Let me try."

Ed seemed to recoil at the idea. Interesting. He stared at Alphonse as if he had grown a second head and upon seeing the level glare he was receiving, shook his head in firm refusal.

"Nuh huh! I am the older brother, I should be the one fuc... making love to you."

"That is ridiculous! There is no such rule! It is not because Mustang managed to convince you that the older one has to be the one on top that it's true."

"I never slept with the bastard! How many times do I have to tell you before you believe me?"

"I don't know. Maybe until it's true, which will be hard as it would imply going back in time before that happened..."

"I can't believe you. You're so... infuriating!"

Ed had completely withdrawn this time and was getting on his knees looking angry. That was good! Al was angry too!

"Okay we're not talking about the Colonel anymore. Still, I have a point! I may be infuriating but you are too. There is no valid reason why you should be the one on top. Even if the age was of any consideration, you've only one year over me: that's not a whole lot. And I am taller than you and broader in the shoulders. I am sure that it would be better with me on top as I could manhandle you better, especially since you're more limber."

Alphonse had sat during his tirade and was now staring at his older brother, arms crossed against his chest and expression defiant. Ed's features all scrunched up in a familiar frown showed the same stubborn will. Stubbornness was a distinctive Elric trait and it was not the first time, by far, that the two teenagers found themselves in such a stand-off. Therefore, both knew perfectly how that would go: Edward would yield in front of his little brother's obstinacy. He couldn't ever deny him anything. It was just a matter of time.

Given the urgency of the situation or more accurately the level of his mounting frustration, the older boy was unusually prompt in relenting. He needed action... fast. Whatever the way or the position, he wanted to come, so he breathed warily in acceptance and lay on his back, offering himself to his little brother's ministrations. They would have to start again from the beginning as Ed's body hadn't been prepared for penetration. It was however a set back the Fullmetal Alchemist was willing to bear as, by this point, it was that or stopping altogether and his balls wouldn't have ever forgiven him.

"I put the oil on the nightstand."

"Huh? You want me to prep you?"

"Yes! And some time in the foreseeable future would be good."

Ed closed his eyes tightly calling on all his patience which wasn't much to begin with and waited... and waited... A full minute later he opened his eyelids with an obviously annoyed growl.

"What is it now? You know how to do it; I did it to you not too long ago."

"You want me to put my fingers... down there?"

"Well, yes!"

"But it's dirty!"

Ed gave his little brother a particularly nasty glare and bared his teeth.

"**I** put my fingers in your ass! You are going to put your **cock** in mine and you're being finicky now?"

"I know it's silly, but..."

"Oh for fuck's sake! Give me the oil!"

Edward had literally barked the words and who would have begrudged him for this? He was seething and at the same time beyond caring for Alphonse inane hang-ups. He grabbed the oil jerkily and prepped himself in record time. He had had more than his dose of this insanity, someone was going to get fucked one way or another and it was going to be soon or he wouldn't be held accountable for his actions. When he was ready, he threw his best come-hither look to the other boy. It was past time to be proud, angry or whatever.

"There! I am ready, now come and go gently please."

Alphonse appeared stunned and a little bit scared by Ed's intensity, but one glance at his middle confirmed that despite those mixed feelings, he was also very aroused by the prospect of fucking his older brother. Good! There would finally be some fucking going on around here! Preferably now!

The younger blond gathered his wits soon enough and advanced on Ed. He placed himself between the muscular thighs that parted in welcome. He put his left hand on his brother's hip and the other on his erection, using it to guide it toward the small entrance slightly loosened by the hasty preparation. Soon enough, the length of his penis began to disappear in the searing heat that was Ed. The latter gasped at the sensation, Alphonse was big and it was painful. Yet, he could take it. He forced himself to relax and adjust to the feeling. When he felt the silky balls brushing against his ass, he knew all of it was inside. He let out a shuddering breath. He felt widely stretched, but it was bearable and he knew that the worst was past. Now to the good part! Let's see if Al could find his prostate like he said he could!

"I'm good, you can move now."

The younger boy's face was hidden in the juncture between Ed's neck and shoulder and he was breathing slowly. At his big brother's words, he mewed piteously and began trembling. Somewhat worried, Ed trailed a soothing hand on his back in silent inquiry.

"I can't move Brother."

"Why can't you?"

Alphonse buried tighter in his brother's neck and the next sentence was almost inaudible.

"Didn't you feel?"

"Feel what?"

"I'm done. You are so tight and it is my first time and I am only fifteen."

"You're done?"

There was incomprehension in Edward's tone and he mechanically continued to soothe Al who was now sniffling in his shoulder. When the meaning of his little brother's words finally reached him, he gasped in dismay then grasped Alphonse under the armpits and lifted him far enough to give him a disbelieving look.

"You mean you just came?"

"I'm sorry, Brother."

The young boy wailed loudly. Ed sat up and pushed Alphonse as calmly as he could, considering the circumstances, the waning erection of his little brother slipping away without a fight. There was a weird smile creeping up on Ed's face. Al was looking at him, worried and uneasy with big eyes full of tears. His lips were trembling but he managed to coax them into talking guiltily.

"I am really sorry Brother. I'll make it up to you. I could... give you a b... blo... blow job."

That surprised a bark of laughter from Edward. If the reluctance wasn't plain enough in the stuttering, the disgusted twist of the face would have been a dead give-away. Anyway, seeing the way the previous experiments had gone, Ed really didn't feel up to try that; with his luck, Alphonse would bite him. Instead, he stood in silence and walked away on shaky legs.

"Brother...?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I think I'm going to take a shower."

Yeah, he would take a shower, not a cold one mind you. He had had more than enough suffering for one night to satisfy all his eventual masochistic tendencies. No, he would take a hot shower. A really hot and really long one. And he would spice it up with a good round of frantic masturbation. Because his hand didn't make running commentary while he was trying to reach orgasm. Because his hand didn't need a perfect position. Because his hand didn't reach orgasm before he did. Because his hand never left him hanging.

The worst was probably that right now he was reconsidering an old proposition the Shit Colonel had made some time ago. --No he had never slept with the bastard, weren't you listening earlier?-- Sure he hated the guy, but in the same time he _loved_ Alphonse and that didn't prevent the sex from being awful, so, maybe with someone he hated the sex would be good... hopefully. Hell, it couldn't be worse anyway, he was pretty sure the bout with Al was worthy of figuring in the records as the worst sex ever.

Yes! While finally reaching his well deserved orgasm --after a total of ten strokes from his beloved hand-- the thought of seeking out Mustang to relieve him of his frustrations seemed all the more appealing. That would be lust not love like with Alphonse, but whatever! He was sixteen, he was entitled to value lust above love and, when he would have his hormones under control once more, it would be time still to go back to Al to teach him what he had learned. Moreover, if the man on top wasn't inevitably the older one, he might have a chance to see the bastard on his knees. That was something to look forward to...

_Afterword__: First instalment in the Bad Sex series which is a sub-part of my Misconceptions as I generally find hilarious the way that in most sex scenes, including those I write myself, the sex is going so well it is eerie._


	2. Misconceptions About Reputation

TITLE: **Misconceptions About Reputation**

AUTHOR: Cherrymelle

FANDOM: Fullmetal Alchemist

PAIRING: Ed/Roy

GENRE: Crack Porn

RATING: NC-17

WARNING: slash, porn, language, srewy timeline, general insanity

DISCLAIMER: Full Metal Alchemist and its characters aren't mine, but the following fic is. Anyway, that's not like I was making money out of either of them.

SUMMARY: Edward had never noticed his Colonel had such a big tongue, nor that it was so... lax and slimy. So much for the expression "having a sharp tongue"!

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_(...) right now he was reconsidering an old proposition the Shit Colonel had made some time ago. (...) Sure he hated the guy, but in the same time he loved Alphonse and that didn't stop the sex from being awful, so, maybe with someone he hated the sex would be good... hopefully. Hell, it couldn't be worse anyway, he was pretty sure the bout with Al was worthy of figuring in the records as the worst sex ever (...)_

**~xxxx~**

In hindsight, he should have seen it coming, but wasn't that what everyone always said. Many things could have been done _in hindsight_. It was too late now to mourn. He was the one who had challenged the Powers of Worse and he would have to deal with the after-effects, for better or for _worse_...

It had been far from simple to ditch Al and to leave him behind to pine in Rizenbul while he pursued the man who would hopefully sate his overacting hormones. Yet, he had managed. He had made his way to Central with little to no problem, but since he was in the city, delays hadn't stopped piling one atop another. The worst of them being Hawkeye running endless interferences. Watchdog indeed. The woman had eyes everywhere, as boasted her name and she looked after Mustang like a she-wolf her cubs. Cornering the man alone had been a trial. He'd really appreciate if she would give him a break. It wasn't like Ed had nefarious intentions concerning Roy, except maybe towards his virtue and he honestly doubted that the bastard still possessed any salvageable bits of that thing.

He had had to resign himself to breaking and entering in the Colonel's house. It was far from his most glorious day, but since it did the job, he was content enough. He was finally in place and alone with the bastard... The bastard who now harbored an impossibly smug smirk and a faintly raised eyebrow. All things considered that was a relatively mild reaction for one's commanding officer upon finding one's subordinate naked and offered on one's own bed. It was however a very Mustang-ish reaction and if it hadn't served his purpose Edward might have been annoyed by the man's arrogance.

Let him be as smug as he wanted. Yes he finally had the Fullmetal Alchemist exactly where he had wanted him for many years and yes he was proven right with his certainty that said alchemist would find himself in this exact position sooner or later despite his protestations to the contrary. Ed wouldn't give the bastard the pleasure of acknowledging his smugness. Shit happens, deal with it! On the bright side and if the man fumbling with his coat's button was any indication, Ed would soon see action, hopefully of the satisfying sort. That was a good enough reason, in his books, to let the man enjoy his little victory. Everyone was entitled to be petty once in a while and if he had his way, Roy would not be the only one benefiting from Ed's surrender.

"What a pleasant surprise Fullmetal! Had I known you were waiting for me, I would have come home sooner. I hope you weren't here too long, we can't have you catching a cold."

"I just ditched the clothes when I heard you returning home and I was under the impression you would be more than willing to warm me up."

There wasn't quite a question mark at the end of the sentence, but as it was Ed's turn to raise an eyebrow, the challenge was plain enough. Mustang was making quick work of divesting himself and was trailing his eyes hungrily on the naked form lain before him. It was fortunate the teenager had little in the matters of body shyness because the man didn't seem to miss an inch of flesh and looked positively ravenous, which boded really well for Ed's plans.

When Roy was down to his briefs --plain white briefs, obviously Military-issued, a far cry from the silk boxers Ed had somehow expected-- he advanced towards the young man on his bed with the intent of a predator stalking his prey. The man was a work of art, all hard muscles under fair skin and moving with feline grace. The dark eyes turned even darker and captured the golden ones. Edward shuddered under the blatantly sexual onslaught and licked his lips in a mixture of anticipation and uncertainty. It was only when he climbed on the bed and came looming above the slender form that Mustang finally spoke. His words were a little hoarse and breathless, betraying his fierce arousal, but the promise in them was unmistakable.

"Fear not, sweet one, I will make you hot alright."

After this impossibly corny comeback, Roy latched on Ed's mouth with voracious enthusiasm and they exchanged their first kiss. A really sloppy kiss. Edward wasn't an expert at kissing but he had experimented a little with Al before they decided to try the main course. If their first kisses had been clumsy, they eventually got the hang of it after a while. Compared with the final result of that dedicated practice, Roy's kiss was... awkward.

The man's breath wasn't bad per se, but nor was it exactly pleasant. That was to be expected though for a man just free from the office to taste of stale coffee and too much time talking to idiots. The teenager could let that pass, but did the man have to slobber _that_ much? He was almost drowning in Mustang's drool and the impressive size of his tongue made the urge to gag all the more threatening. Edward had never noticed his Colonel had such a big tongue, nor that it was so... lax and slimy. So much for the expression 'having a sharp tongue'! Evidently that wasn't literal.

Hell bent in overcoming all difficulties in his quest for gratification, the young alchemist cast aside this minor discomfort in the best way he could think of: he turned his head and offered his bare throat to Roy. That granted him an approving groan and to have his skin nearly devoured by an overeager lover. Mustang's hands weren't idle either. He was grasping nearly frantically at each part of the smaller body he could reach as if testing the elasticity of the flesh. Ed guessed that was the way to get to the good part and thought that was probably what had been lacking when he and Al had tried to have sex. There seemed to be more to this than just penetration. He had made a sound decision in coming to Mustang; he would learn useful things here.

The caresses weren't too bad... for a while. After a certain amount of time though, the Colonel was getting sweaty, really sweaty, like dripping. He had to be pretty excited to sweat so much and his palms were all sticky. That was unpleasant, especially with the way he was slobbering while nipping at Ed's throat and torso. He should really see someone for this. Nobody should drool that much; his saliva glands might have some kind of malfunction. Not that Ed worried for the bastard's health mind you, but it was a little repulsive from his point of view and if there was to be a repeat performance, he would appreciate something was done about that.

Mustang was heavy too, so in addition to being all wet with the other's bodily fluids, Edward was getting crushed. His position was uncomfortable to say the least and he would like to get on with it. The older man was also panting wildly now and _that _worried Ed. It wouldn't do to have the man lose a lung even before they came to the good part. He would have thought the Flame Alchemist would have more stamina. That wasn't as if they had done much of anything yet.

He concluded that in order to move things along, he would have to take matters into his own hands. With blind determination, Ed rolled them on the side and started on removing the annoying briefs. Roy would have to be naked for the remaining of the session. The blond wasn't really looking at what he was doing as Roy's hungry expression presented a far more interesting show. That's why his eyes only fell on the Colonel's erection once he had thrown the piece of clothing in a remote part of the room. Then, he stared...

It probably wasn't very polite to stare like that, but it wasn't exactly like Ed made a habit of being polite where the bastard was concerned and, well, that sure _was_ staring material! Was it even possible for a grown man to have so small a penis? Stupid question! Obviously, it was possible. Yet, Edward was left dumbfounded. It was erect and an angry red, but stood barely above three inches. It was a nightmare. Surely, Ed would wake up shortly. The arrogant Colonel whom all women dreamed about couldn't be so ill-equipped. He was called _Mustang_ for God's sake! Never a name had been so badly chosen!

Ed's right eye was twitching madly, but he couldn't stop staring and had yet to blink. And the man had the galls to mock **his** size? At least, that _little_ revelation about his Colonel would provide an endless source of retaliation when the man next began insulting him; best case scenario: it would be prime blackmail material. The growing grin was however squashed fast and Ed frowned. It wasn't the time to challenge Roy's manhood, it would only piss him off and the teenager wouldn't get any. Moreover, what worried him was that there was no way the man could reach Edward's prostate with his tiny member. The blond had learned firsthand that it wasn't a mean fit even with a decent-sized penis. Yet, Al had assured him that without prostate stimulation, anal sex wouldn't be enjoyable for the receiver...

The grin blossomed anew and this time Ed let it bloom full force. It wouldn't be said that the Fullmetal Alchemist couldn't make the best of any situation. He had hoped to see Mustang on his knees after all. He threw a glance at Roy's face and was somewhat surprised to see that he didn't seem the slightest fazed by the younger boy's staring. He probably shouldn't have. Chances were that nothing in existence could ever shake this man's assurance. That didn't mean Ed couldn't try...

"So, Colonel, you are aware that I will be the one doing the fucking here?"

Mustang gave him a searching look and shrugged one shoulder, which was awkward given his lying position.

"Whichever you want Fullmetal. I am curious to see you burn all this youthful energy."

It was said with the usual challenging smirk and Ed forgot to be surprised by this easy surrender. When one looked at it closely, he should have expected that. The man was known to be lazy and the submissive position was the less tiring one. Edward also suspected that Mustang had waited to have his subordinate in bed for so long that he would comply with his every whim. Pleasant thought indeed.

"Do you have... stuff?"

"Lubricant? In the bedside drawer, Fullmetal."

While Ed searched for the vial of oil which would make the penetration easier, Roy helpfully turned to lie on his belly, even arranging a pillow under his groin to expose more of his back entrance. When the teenager went back to the matter at hands, he found himself staring once again. Roy had hairy cheeks! Edward almost dropped the oil in his startlement. Of course Mustang was a man and a dark-haired one at that, but he didn't have hair anywhere else. His chest was smooth, his legs barely covered in fine down and Ed hadn't ever even seen him with a blue jaw. He really had had no reason to expect a hairy butt. He shook himself from his stupor and took a silent oath not to look too closely in case he found pimples to match the coarse black _fur_.

Moving along! It would take more than those little mood-breakers to damp the ardors of a sixteen-years-old and Ed made short work of preparing Roy. He was being careful enough with this without being as thorough as he'd been with his little brother. Al had been a virgin, Roy wasn't. When Edward finally entered the man, he gave a relieved sigh. With how the things had gone until then, he almost expected to find him lax or unpleasant in any other way. Fortunately, it had been a silly concern as the man turned out to be just as impossibly tight and hot as anyone could dream of.

After his initial entry, Edward paused to give them both the time to accommodate to the new feeling. Soon, he gave a few tentative thrusts, at the same time relieving himself of the worst of the urgency. Then, he opened the eyes he didn't remember closing and forced himself to calm to enjoy the experience to its fullest. It was from this point on that all went downhill...

The sight of his member entering Roy would have been appealing, but as the hair there was a powerful repellent, he purposefully looked further along his superior's body. He was surprised to find the man utterly still and silent. Mustang had his head thrown back, his eyes closed and a continuous trickle of drool coming down from his open mouth. The expression gave away his enjoyment of the act, but wasn't of the most pleasant visual effects. Hell, he looked grotesque and vulgar.

Ed cringed and missed a few thrusts. Luckily, the pressure on his penis alone was enough to keep him excited or he would have lost his erection. He forced himself to pick up his rhythm again. It wasn't easy as his hands which were gripping Roy's hips kept slipping on the profusely sweating skin. Somehow, he managed. His movements were however erratic and the older man wasn't helping any. As a matter of fact, except for his chest shaking with harsh pants, reminding Ed of the coughs of an old engine, Mustang wasn't moving at all. For all that the bastard was participating; Ed could have as well been masturbating. Disappointing didn't even begin to cover it.

The boy was wondering if Roy was feeling any pleasure at all as he was utterly uninformative, when, at long last, the man screeched. Screeched, really, like a banshee. A hair-rising sound that grated on Ed's nerves even while answering his silent question. Mustang _was_ enjoying himself and had just reached his climax. Mercifully, the clenching of Roy's inner muscles on the teenager's penis sweetened the unpleasantness of the audio and Ed orgasmed suit.

It was a purely physical reaction. Orgasm wasn't even the most appropriate word as for all the mental pleasure Ed had garnered from the entire experiment he felt all but satisfied. He had ejaculated yes. No more than that. He wasn't even feeling the proverbial "boneless" and managed without a pause nor any difficulties to withdraw from Roy's depths and to lay himself aside. Then, he turned towards the older man and was somewhat put upon by the utter satisfaction displayed on the now lax features. That was the last straw for his frayed temper and he couldn't help himself but to accuse:

"You're a lousy lay, shit Colonel!"

The smirk openly growing on the bastard's face wasn't doing anything to dampen his helpless rage and Ed felt himself trembling with frustration.

"Of course I am! What did you expect?"

"Huh?"

Definitely not his best comeback, but appropriate given the circumstances. The man didn't look insulted or even fazed in the slightest. If anything, he appeared smugger than usual as if pleased to have yet another thing to hold over his subordinate's head. Ed's mind was completely blank, not understanding what his superior's words meant. Mustang seemed to catch on his bewilderment and took on the expression of a long-suffering teacher having to explain some incredibly easy stuff to an incredibly dense pupil.

"Fullmetal, don't make me think you're more naive than you look! You're too old to believe in Santa Claus and yet you look like you just saw his fake beard drop. Perfection is like Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy: it **doesn't** exist!"

Roy wasn't making any sense and the persisting blank on Ed's face showed it clearly. The older man rolled his eyes skyward and sighed heavily.

"Edward... I am a handsome man; I am wealthy, highly intelligent and well-bred. I am also an awesome fighter, skilled alchemist and powerful officer. How could you think I would be good in bed on top of that? There has to be a balance somewhere."

The teenager was understandably startled, all the more because that made an awful lot of sense. But still...

"...but you're always chased by women?"

"I repeat: _handsome_, _wealthy_, _well-bred_ and _powerful_. There is more than enough here for any woman to chase me as far as the end of the world. Sex isn't much compared with all that."

Ed would have liked to stay in blissful denial, but the facts were there. The smug bastard was awful in bed. He would have to learn to live with this earth-shattering knowledge. It shouldn't surprise him anyway that the experiment had gone so bad. He had obviously expected too much. The older Elric was famous for doing all things thunderously. When he succeeded, it was done with flourish, but when he failed, it was always without precedent.

This time, however, he wouldn't permit himself to think it was the worst sex ever. It probably was, but at least he came this time and he had learned that it was unwise to challenge the "Powers of Worse". Anyway, there had to be someone out there with whom he would be able to have less than horrifying sex. Hopefully...

_Afterwords__: Someone has to be mean with Roy once in a while. Come on nobody's __**that **__perfect, that has to hide something._


	3. Misconceptions About Family

TITLE: **Misconceptions About Family**

AUTHOR: Cherrymelle

FANDOM: Fullmetal Alchemist

PAIRING: Ed/Russell, Ed/Al, Russell/Fletcher

GENRE: Crack Porn

RATING: NC-17

WARNING: Porn, language, general insanity, INCEST, immorality and other bad bad things

DISCLAIMER: Full Metal Alchemist and its characters aren't mine, but the following fic is. Anyway, that's not like I was making money out of either of them.

SUMMARY: "Russell, I am sixteen. I wanna screw. Every other people I know are inept in sexual matters. What do you say we give it a go?"

* * *

Given the appalling way his previous sexual encounters had gone, lesser men would have probably sworn off the entire thing. Alas, the problem with Edward Elric was that he had never learned when to call it quits. He managed to convince himself that the two disasters had just been flukes and that he should see them only as mistakes not to repeat. He vowed to find a lover with whom he could experiment in a more controlled way. The man would have to be young as Roy Mustang had proven that older and more experienced didn't necessarily mean better, but he would also need to be a little more self-assured and mature than Alphonse to avoid as much awkwardness as possible.

For all his celebrity, the Fullmetal Alchemist didn't know that many people, at least not on a personal level and he had gathered that _some_ level of intimacy would be helpful in these circumstances. A glance at his address book later, he had discarded Havoc because he loathed the smell of tobacco, Fury because he was too innocent looking, Broche because Ross would have his hide, Breda because he was lazy, Armstrong because the thought alone made him twitchy and Farman because he was too old. That was how Edward found himself on a train to Xenotime where he planned to seduce one Russell Tringham.

When he came knocking on the door of the small house the Tringham brothers lived in, the reception was rather cold. Well, that is not exactly true. Fletcher had been welcoming enough before losing interest altogether upon noticing the absence of Al. Russell though had been less than thrilled. For some reason, he seemed to have kept resentment toward the oldest Elric, which in Ed's opinion was pretty dumb as all the bad things that happened to Russell were of his own doing. Well used to overstay his welcome when it suited his purpose, Edward pretended to ignore his soon-to-be lover's annoyance and requested an interview.

The house had only a few rooms and the Fullmetal Alchemist had hoped that by requesting privacy for their discussion Russell would lead him to his own bedroom. Reluctant and obviously long-suffering, the younger boy did exactly that anyway. Things were suddenly looking up.

Despite his numerous talents, Edward still retained a grievous lack of social mores and a total unconcern for diplomacy. Thus, no one should be surprised that his introductory speech came out the way it did. We could resume it by something akin to: "Russell, I am sixteen. I wanna screw. Every other people I know are inept in sexual matters. What do you say we give it a go?" That isn't of course an exact transcription of the offer, but you would be amazed to learn how terribly accurate it really was, be it in content or way of delivery. Subtlety is unfortunately not the forte of teenagers. We should however praise the unwavering voice in which the speech was uttered without the slightest hesitation or stuttering. Such brashness is to be respected --or feared maybe, I am still not too sure about that one; I'll come back to you on this matter later on.

At this point, you should remember that the two boys we're talking about were, well, just that: boys. If Ed had undoubtedly his moments when you wouldn't believe he was still a teenager as mature as he occasionally proved to be, no one would ever forget that Russell was fifteen. Yes he was fairly intelligent and serious when working on Alchemy, still, that didn't make him an adult, only a geek. So, seeing that the older Tringham was behaving in pretty much all matters in the way that suited his age, you shouldn't be so surprised to know that after contemplating for all of two minutes, he gave into his hormones and offered a tentatively arrogant consent. The Fullmetal Alchemist didn't need any more prompting to proceed and made short work of disposing of both their clothing.

They soon found themselves naked and entwined on the single bed. From this point on, as seemed to have become the rule for Edward's best laid plans --sorry excuse for a pun completely intended-- things went awry.

On the bright side, Russell could kiss and wasn't drooling excessively. The rest of the experience however was kinda awkward. The hands were hesitant, the caresses tentative and clumsy and there always seemed to be a sharp hipbone or bumpy ribs in the way. All in all, it was going as well as could be expected from two teenage boys fumbling together in bed for the first time. It looked more like horseplay than foreplay.

"Elric did you ever try fellatio? I must confess I am rather curious about this particular act."

Edward had discovered a salty patch of skin just above Russell's collarbone that was just to his taste, but the unexpected question interrupted his attempts to leave behind the mother of all hickeys. He studied his new lover with a calculated stare while correcting mechanically:

"Given the circumstances, you should at least call me Edward. We're a little past surnames, I think. And as a matter of fact, no I have not. I am also rather curious. I wonder what all the fuss is about."

The boys disentangled themselves and exchanged a measuring glance. They were obviously trying to determine who would be giver to which receiver and neither was willing to give in. After a few moments and no change in sight, Edward sighed loudly.

"I am not playing 'rock, paper, scissors' for this; we're not kids for God's sake!"

Russell frowned stubbornly and regardless of Ed's reservations, they were soon at the end of their fifth confrontation dismally contemplating their opposing closed fists and dismayed to find themselves in yet another draw.

"Okay this is getting ridiculous. We might not have to decide anyway. I heard of a position where we won't have to choose. It's called _'sixty-nine'_ and that should allow us to each suck and be sucked at the same time. What do you think?"

"Hmm, might as well try it because otherwise we'll still be at it in a few years and we're going to miss our sexual peaks. So how do we do that? Head and tail I guess but who is going to be on top?"

Russell gave him an encompassing look pushing his bangs away as if to better assess the dynamics of the encounter.

"Well I think you're lighter than me so you should be on top but watch out for your prosthetics please."

As announced, the teenager laid himself on his back, legs slightly parted and waited for Edward to come above him on all fours. For all their bravado, they were feeling a bit awkward as this new position confronted them with the reality of their situation. Finding themselves with another boy's erection shoved literally in their faces was somewhat intimidating. In the way of regular teenagers they couldn't help but compare their respective sizes. Both were pleased to note their dicks were rather similar in both girth and length, Ed even more so than Russell as he knew that at least the other wouldn't be able to mock his size in _that_ department.

After a minute or so of introduction to their new object of worship, the two boys moved as one man toward their self imposed task. Two rosy tongues swiped hesitantly at the glistening tips and retreated shyly in curious mouths. In perfect harmony they shivered at the sensation and grimaced at the taste. That wasn't exactly the kind of thing you would consume for pleasure, of course it might be an acquired taste but for now it would just be a necessary annoyance to endure in order to have reciprocation. Satisfied with their conclusions, the boys got back to the work at hand --or mouth as the case may be.

Their techniques or lack thereof differed quite a bit after the first perfunctorily forays. Chance on-lookers would have said they sucked in accordance to their vastly differing personalities. In Edward's case, you'd find plenty of enthusiasm and zero subtlety which translated in a stubborn desire to deep-throat the rigid prick regardless of the facts that the angle was inappropriate and that his teeth kept raking none too gently over the sensitive skin. Russell was more gentle and methodical, tackling the task like a science experiment; he graced the entire length with kittenish licks too light to provide any kind of real satisfaction and punctuating them with rough gropes on Ed's testicles which often turned painful.

This strange tango, danced to the music of choked breaths and occasional gasps of pain between the more traditional pleasured moans and frustrated grunts, came to a crescendo in twin satisfied groans. Their young age and overeager hormones more than any of their respective talents was conducive to them climaxing in almost perfect synchronicity. Edward was forced to swallow the vile liquid spurting in the back of his throat, barely saved from asphyxiation by his nonexistent gag reflex --a talent honed with years spent inhaling food when others content themselves modestly eating it. As for Russell, he received the slimy offering all over the face, a particularly vicious dollop landing right in his left eye wide open in pleasure.

Edward crumbled on his side, trying valiantly to get his breath back while his lover/lab partner lifted a weary hand up to his face to brush the uncomfortable gunk away.

"Eew, I've got your stuff in my hair, that's so totally gross."

Fullmetal only chuckled: "At least you didn't have to eat it; it doesn't exactly taste like ice cream. What do you know? That might be good for your hair anyway; plenty of proteins."

The other snorted indignantly. He suddenly pivoted on the bed to come lying face to face with Ed and sighed heavily, visibly put upon.

"Well, that wasn't as satisfactory as I thought it would be."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. It was kinda disappointing."

"Hum hum, good but not **that** good. Still it may be because we're new at this. With practice perhaps..."

Edward hummed amiably while shaking his head at the same time before interrupting the other boy altogether.

"I am not sure that is the only problem. I really think plain old sex is more intense than fellatio. If we're going to give this another shot we should try fucking instead."

Russell appeared to weigh the proposition from all angles before coming up with the first logical argument.

"We couldn't even decide who would blow whom, I'm not sure I want to see us argue about who's gonna top."

For once, Ed shrugged unconcerned. "I've already tried it from both ends, sort of and I have a good resistance to pain so I'm okay with being bottom."

The younger teenager gave him a superior smirk which Ed dismissed with a growl.

"And don't think for a second that it means anything. It's not because I am getting fucked that I am any less of a man. Anyway, you'll see it is not that easy; if you can't find my prostate while fucking me it will mean you're a lousy lay. I already managed to have Colonel Mustang on his knees and whimpering my name so I know what I'm worth in the sack. You can't say that much."

Of course that wasn't exactly how things had gone with the bastard and it wasn't either an experience Fullmetal liked to remember but if it could guarantee him that Russell would perform adequately, the embellishment was well worth it.

Russell pondered the matter for a while and suddenly stood up going for the door, seemingly unconcerned by his nudity or his reawakening erection, his sweaty skin and crusted bangs ridiculously at odds with his apparent determination. Fortunately, the Fullmetal Alchemist was blessed with shortly-timed reactions and so didn't stay stunned more than for half a breath.

"Where are you going Russell? I thought we were going to fuck."

The question stopped the boy in his march and he turned back to the bed in order to explain.

"I have books on the matter in the living room. I can't conduct any experiment without the proper information. I am pretty sure there are detailed sketches of sexual positions in one of them. That will help in finding the most likely angle of penetration to reach the prostate every strike without fail..."

Pinching the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger, Edward groaned with distaste.

"I don't want to hear this! You are worse than Al. I won't have you fucking me while you are looking at a manual; this is a little too clinical for even my tastes."

"I'll just take a quick look. Don't worry: if you're uncomfortable about it, I won't bring the book in the bed but I think it would still be..."

The younger boy stopped mid-sentence and visibly blanched, staring at Edward like he had grown another head.

"What did you say about Al? You didn't mean you had sex with him, right?"

The older Elric appeared confused by the change of subject but soon gathered his thoughts and replied easily.

"Of course I had sex with Al. He was the first one, but that didn't go so well. With the both of us so inexperienced, it was a complete disaster. That is precisely why I am trying with other people; like that I'll be able to teach him what I learned."

Edward regarded his interlocutor candidly while honestly telling his tale, totally oblivious of Russell's growing disgust. He was unprepared for the violent outburst.

"You slept with your brother? That's sick, you're a disgusting pervert! That's incest Elric; you'll go to hell for this one!"

In other circumstances Fullmetal's pole axed expression would have been funny but Russell was far too shocked to appreciate it and Edward's features were finally turning sour with indignation and plain old fury.

"What rights do you have to judge what my brother and I are doing? This is none of your business. We love each other so it isn't dirty. It's completely natural. I know very well I'll end up in Hell for what I did to Al in the past but certainly not for this, not for loving him. If you think otherwise you're a sad close-minded asshole and you are the one who's sick to say such lies about things you know nothing about."

The braided alchemist was obviously about to snap. Well aware of the destructive power of his alchemical skills, Russell's survival instincts kicked in and he wisely tried to soothe Ed's temper before he tried to transmute him in a fit of rage.

"I'm sorry Edward; I might have been a little rash. You're right I know nothing about your relationship with Al. It's just that I also have a little brother so it's easy to make the comparison and I was taught it's untoward to do something like that with someone you share your blood with. It's only my opinion; I shouldn't have forced it on you."

The apology had done a world of good in calming Ed but he was still plenty put out by the contempt radiating off of the other boy's initial reaction. Perhaps especially because for all his denial, he somewhat knew where the other was coming from. That still didn't mean he would acknowledge this in any way or form. On the contrary, he was contemplating a way to strike back where it hurt.

"Apology accepted I guess, but I really don't see what it is you find so strange with me and Al sleeping together. I thought you and Fletcher weren't so far from coming to that. I know he's still a bit young but..."

Russell appeared stricken and maybe a little ill at the insinuation which he hurried to refute.

"Of course not Ed, I would never do something like that to Fletch. He is just a kid and, no... It's not even the problem. He is family. Even if you don't think the same, I am convinced that it's bad, forbidden to sleep with someone so close. It would be like sleeping with my father or something. You wouldn't sleep with your father would you?"

"Eew gross!" The exclamation put a satisfied smile on Russell's face before he heard the following comment. "First I hate Hoenheim's guts and second he is decaying and smells like rotten flesh so no thanks, I'll pass."

"That's not what I meant Ed. You're totally missing the point. Even if he was a good father and healthy, I am sure you wouldn't have sex with him, simply because he is your father and that would be bad."

Fullmetal pondered a while and answered unabashed.

"In that case, I so totally would. The old man isn't all that bad. He is kind of hot. If it weren't for his little skin condition I'd sleep with him in a heartbeat. I bet he could teach me a lot of things with all he must have learned along the centuries."

"That's... that's sick. I'm sorry but it is. I could not have sex with my Dad. It's... Gross!"

"Well, it's not my fault if you're father is not as hot as mine."

"Once again that's not the point, Edward! I don't know why you can't see why it is bad."

"And **I** don't know why you can't see it's not. I mean look at what we just did for instance. We are both boys, minors and we had sex; for many people this is the very definition of evil and yet you don't have any kind of problem with that. So I don't see why you would think sleeping with one's own brother should be bad. When you get down to it, I'd almost say that what we did was way worse than what I did with my brother, because with Al it was done with love. My mother always told me that as long as you did something out of love you could do no evil."

It was fun to see that Russell's face had gone through all the colors of the rainbow during Ed's little rant, but now it was regaining a healthy and more natural shade while his breath was slowing to its normal rhythm. The Fullmetal Alchemist hadn't already swayed him at his views as that would have been too easy, but the seed of doubt had been planted. Edward's arguments made a lot of sense especially on the impressionable mind of a teenager somewhat willing to believe... If incest wasn't bad, then it would mean that...

In the way of someone well acquainted with reading other people's minds, as he had been well pressed to learn as a State Alchemist, Fullmetal immediately saw the chink in his companion's armor and lashed on it with a merciless ferocity likely emulated from a Roy Mustang at his worst.

"I have no reason to be ashamed of wanting Al as long as I love him. It's not like I was forcing myself on him. Believe me he was more than eager. There's something with little brothers... They almost always develop a fascination for their elders. I still remember how Al used to look at me and I can't imagine what would have happened if I didn't reciprocate his feelings. He would probably have suffered a lot. I wouldn't want to be responsible for such a hurt. He might even have tried to leave me to find someone else, anyone to make him forget. Anybody could have taken advantage of him. **That** would really be horrible. I couldn't have ever forgiven myself if such a thing had happened."

Russell was staring at him stunned and shaking. He had found support against the far wall and it was likely the only thing that kept him standing. His erection had also waned during the conversation which wasn't promising for Edward still hell-bent on getting well and truly fucked. Seeing his friend wasn't yet able to speak, shocked as he was, the young alchemist undertook mischievously the task of reviving his dying arousal.

"I saw the way your little brother is watching you; I'd say he has the same case of hero-worship Al has for me and it is plain to see he loves you very much. You should be careful, because if you go on ignoring him you will hurt him real bad. I know you love him. You really should tell him. Wouldn't you like to show him how much you love him? There isn't anything like a good screwing up the ass to say "I love you." He is really cute your little brother. Honestly can't you just picture him lying on his back, his thighs around your waist, his nails scratching your shoulders in the most intimate of hugs? Can't you imagine sucking him like you were doing me a moment ago, he would be writhing in pleasure, begging and crying your name? Or better yet, him on his knees, your cock in his mouth, his big blue eyes wide and looking at you with adoration, his little hands grabbing your butt? This is what love is!"

Ed's little plot was working all right. Russell's erection was rock hard, an angry red and weeping. It looked like Ed had hit it right on the nail. However, he soon realized the holes in his plan when, instead of jumping the bones of his tormentor, the elder Tringham breezed out of the room in obvious search of his little brother. Fletcher would soon have a very big surprise and seeing the state of crazed lust Russell was currently in, he would be very sorry or very lucky indeed if Edward had been as right as he thought he'd been in his insightful observations.

As for the aforementioned Fullmetal Alchemist, he collapsed on the bed all alone cursing his devious mind which had condemned him to a night of solitary entertainment. At least the sounds coming from Fletcher's bedroom provided an inspiring theme for that kind of activities. He was pretty sure Russell wouldn't mind him staying in his bed for the night and there would always be a train tomorrow morning to take him on the next leg of his journey. This time he had even gotten a blow-job. It was progress, wasn't it?

_Afterwords__: So yeah my little pet peeve for the day was incest. I just thought it was pretty weird that we're usually not all that offended with it in fanfics even if I am pretty sure most people would find it really shocking in real life. I thought it would make a nice misconception and maybe make some people see that when we write fics, it is just that: "fiction" and as such shouldn't be dealt with the same morality and seriousness as real facts. That said, if I still managed to offend someone, I am really, really sorry and will accept any punishment you should think is needed. "Oh yeah spank me I am soooo bad!" _;P


End file.
